fragileprophet | Week 6, Thursday

[Haha, well. Ion's just going to keep talking, then. Oops. He tilts his head slightly to the side.]

It isn't easy to turn over a new leaf, I know. When you've been branded as a villain or selfish, it can be discouraging to keep trying to show that you're more than that--especially if you're not so sure that you are, yourself. But, this whole time, I believed in you.

[He has the thought, the urge, to reach out and take Akechi's hands...but he can read the room, so he resists.]

Everything, everything is going to be okay, because you're really so strong, and you're a wonderful friend.

I'm. . .

[it's amazing how much impact those words have]

[I'm proud of you. Akechi can't remember a time anyone had ever said something like that to him. I believed in you. he had fans, sure. . . and the media ate his "good detective prince" persona up like the sheep they were. but fans were fans, and fans didn't really care about everything else he kept inside his heart. You're a wonderful friend.]

[no, he's not. he hardly thinks of many people here as his friends. Eichi and Ion. . . those are the only two left alive who really seem to care about him as something more than an informational contact, right? two friends. two whole friends in a castle of allies and enemies alike]

[he suddenly doesn't want to go through with the plans he made with Varian. but he has to, doesn't he? for the sake of Varian's objective. for the sake. . . of that happy ending he doesn't even care about]

[he blurts it out before he can stop himself, to immediately correct Ion's mistaken assumptions. you were wrong about me all along]

I'm going to kill someone tonight.

[It's such a baffling thing to hear--so far removed from what Ion had possibly expected, that his smile doesn't even fade right away. He freezes, uncomprehending.]

What?

[Then it comes, the dawning horror, and he drops his staff, reaching for him--not caring about anything else--if he could just reach him, he can--]

Oh--Akechi, no--

[he steps back, trying to remove himself from Ion's grasp. all that blind faith, all that trust, all that genuine kindness. . . he can practically seeing it swirl down the drain. wasted. something that should never have been thrown his way in the first place]

[something he never deserved]

You were-- wrong, about me.

[he could explain himself. explain that it's an objective. explain that it's for the sake of Varian's objective. that might. . . paint it in a slightly better light]

[but he can't. he doesn't want to defend himself. he doesn't want to defend himself and he doesn't want to kill Evan and he doesn't want to be a Historian and he doesn't want to be here anymore.]

[they should have killed him, all those weeks ago. they should have]

No! You're the one who's wrong!

[It's too much to take in all at once. Ion can feel his vision blur but he doesn't want to cry. He doesn't mean to shout, but his voice comes out loud and frustrated--a sound he's not used to hearing, himself. His hands are so easy to bat away, but he still tries to hold on--tries to shake him.]

There's still time, there's always time. You haven't done anything so don't--don't do it!

[surprisingly enough, Akechi doesn't push them away. Ion manages to snag the edge of his sleeve, which keeps him from escaping for the time being]

[but he does raise his voice. not to yell at Ion, but because there are notes of frustration seeping into his words as well. the desperation of a scared, injured animal]

Everyone wants their happy ending, don't they. . .!

[he still doesn't care]

There are certain objectives that can't be completed without taking someone's life! Th-- that is just. . . that's just the way things are, Ion! What else am I supposed to do?!

Why do things always have to be the way that they are?

[It's a question he's been wondering for himself, too. His knees feel so weak.]

If you aren't going to kill me you shouldn't kill anyone--you've already done enough, haven't you? Can't someone else...can't anyone else...

[He isn't sure what point he's trying to make anymore. He can't argue that someone else should get their hands dirty, because he wouldn't wish for that, either. He can't say that nobody should kill, because they have to bring the numbers down, don't they? This is all so backward, and he can't keep pretending that it doesn't hurt every minute of every day.]

Why do you deserve this burden?

It's who I am!

[is Akechi's tired, so very tired, response. it's who he's been from the moment he started down his pathway to revenge. he was an idiot for trying to be anything else]

[Hikage was right. he couldn't change. he couldn't fit in. he never would]

Everyone is just too blind to see it.

It isn't who you are at all--you know that it isn't! It's just...who you've always been told you have to be, isn't it?

[Ion's eyes snap shut as he shakes his head, knowing he needs to get a grip. But if he doesn't say this now, will he ever get the chance to? What if this is really it? He's kept his distance for a few weeks now, never prying too far, but he just can't sit by. He can't let this go. Wouldn't that be just...a betrayal of everything he ever preaches?]

And that's why it feels so empty, and like there's no other choice? It's frightening and lonely, but there's a comfort in doing what everyone expects of you, so you fall back on it when things get uncertain.

[it isn't wrong]

[some part of Akechi knows that it isn't all about him being who he was told to be, though. he knows that part of it was a conscious choice he made himself, when he decided to build up his father only to tear him down again. but it also isn't wrong. he had lost count of the names people had called him as a child-- nuisance, pest, pain in the ass, trash-- but even if he can't remember them all, they've somehow seared themselves into his identity]

[he wants to argue this point. but even in the deepest of his self-loathing, he remembers Ion's memories. he remembers Ion's story. he deflates, some of the more obvious, explosive frustration evaporating from his shoulders]

. . . is that how it feels for you?

Edited 2018-07-20 01:36 (UTC)

[Unsteadily, Ion's fingers uncurl, finally freeing Akechi from his grasp.]

Sometimes.

[He brings a hand up over his heart.]

Sometimes its not so hard, but other times, it feels like whittling away pieces of yourself. Sometimes I wonder if I'll forget who I am or how I feel.

[But then, in his circumstance, he doesn't know what so many feelings even are.]

I don't even know who I am.

[he snaps back, and as soon as he's free, he instinctively moves away again, like a skittish. he can't be trapped like this]

Who am I, if not the person I've crafted myself to be? The assassin, the killer, the one willing to do what needs to be done when people like you are too fuc-- fucking naive to do it yourself.

You. . . [he's a bit envious] You have a sense of self. You know who you are, right? Even when people try to get you to be someone else? You can still hold onto that, right?

Edited 2018-07-22 16:38 (UTC)

Week 6, Thursday - Akechi

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