fragileprophet | Week 3, Saturday Post-Trial

I don't know what to talk about. [ he mumbles into his pillow without lifting his face.

His head feels all muddled, the nine hours feeling like nine years spent outside, screaming, trying to get people to understand but everything kept getting thrown back in his face.

After finding out who had died Friday morning, he had spend much of the day crying. Now, he feels like it, but the tears won't come. ]

I understand.

[Ion keeps his hand where it is, a soothing presence connecting their tense bodies together, much like the unseen red thread that ties them.]

There's no need to force yourself. Take all the time you need and I'll still be here for you.

[But he pauses, and feel the need to add:]

I do know you meant well.

[ He huffs into the pillow, lifting his head briefly in order to breathe and catch Ion's eyes, and then buries it again, knowing that he's sulking like a child but nobody else can see but Ion, so it's fine. ]

...I did, but that doesn't matter when what I meant was wrong, right? I just wanted everything to be over quickly, so nobody has to suffer anymore.

Wishing for that isn't wrong.

[Despite himself, a tired smile creeps across his face.]

But no matter what the intention behind it is, suggesting murder...it frightens people. I'm sure you have to know that.

Is it murder when nobody dies...?

[ He turns to the side, pulling the pillow down to hug around his stomach. ]

Dying... isn't real here. If I believe what everybody tells me, I should be dead- permanently dead. But I'm not. And those guys aren't either. So I thought that wouldn't be too bad.

I don't think it's so much that death isn't real but...death doesn't have to be permanent. The problem is, none of us have any way of predicting when a death may or may not last, here. That doesn't make it any less horrible.

[He sighs, thinking.]

After Sandalphon told us all that his ability was meant to be able to revive you from the dead...none of us could be sure what would happen the next day. And even knowing that I can write to him on the Other Side, and he can write back, I still miss him so much every day.

Edited 2018-07-01 03:19 (UTC)

[ If it's not permanent, it's not real. At least, it isn't in Natsuo's mind, who didn't have anybody he was really genuinely close to be ripped from his side in order to make him feel the gravity of death. ]

It's still hard for me to get, I guess. It feels more like they moved away, but if I can still write to them and see them again someday, then I'm happy. I'm not sad about it at all. But I should be?

[Ion considers what Natsuo says, letting the question sink in.]

I don't believe there's any one right way to feel about something. I think...that the confusion you're feeling about it makes sense. Ordinarily, when someone dies, you shouldn't be able to hear from them, not at all.

[So that complicates things. That makes everything very tricky.]

I'm still learning, myself, how it feels to experience new things. I've gotten asked why certain things don't make me feel...angry. I wonder if I should be, too. We both just have our own processes.

[He wonders if this makes sense. He's not sure, but he soldiers on.]

You don't owe anyone your sadness, but you could stop and consider why everyone else seems to feel that way, and react with care accordingly. It's good to be happy for a hopeful future, but we're worried that a wrong move could pull it unexpectedly away from us forever. If that happened, there'd be no reason to be anything but sad.

[ I'm starting to learn the difference between this Ion and the other one and it's that the other one has scary icons while this one hadn't gotten mad at Natsuo at all, amongst all the commotion that had been incurred from the flippant statement Natsuo had thrown out into the crowd. ]

I get why, but...

[ If it were just a week before, he would have understood it better, thinking death as the ultimate end. Things really are more complicated now. Things were simple back then. ]

It's been so long already. Every week is sadder and sadder. And I feel helpless— I've never been in a position where I couldn't do anything.

[You've done it. You/Natsuo have finally cracked the code.]

I know...I feel the same way.

[Except he's no stranger to helplessness. He's felt helpless for a long, long time, and the only thing he's ever been able to do only upsets others.]

I wish I could say that I think it will get easier but I don't think that's true. The best we can do is trust in each other and work together regardless of the circumstances.

[ It only took a month and some yan ]

That's easy to say, but people don't do either of those. Having to kill and pretend you didn't kill, there's no way people trust each other in a place like this. It's like what Eichi keeps telling me— I can't trust everybody. And neither can anybody else.

...I suppose not.

[His expression falls.]

But then, I've also been scolded for being too trusting, so I'm probably not the best person to listen to.

[Ion sighs.]

Even knowing that, though, I can't bring myself to be distrustful of others. I don't think it's fair, when none of us know when we might be forced into a situation that we want no part of. How can I condemn someone for something that they wouldn't have done otherwise? It feels wrong.

So you don't blame Akechi or them for anything, because they had to do it, but if I... [ slaughtered everybody in the middle of the garden this afternoon ] ...went through with what I thought was right, that would be wrong.

[ Even though it's the circumstances, even though there were good intentions somewhere ]

It's complicated. I don't...think Akechi handled himself well, but I can't blame him when I know he did the best that he could with what he was given. He spared my life, and nobody even knows. And he was frightened, too. He just didn't want to die.

[But, that said.]

Taking a life is a horrible thing regardless of your intentions. I think anyone could appreciate the thoughts and feelings behind your idea, but stated in such a way and at such an already emotional time, it felt more like a threat than anything else. That you'd simply take matters into your own hands without consulting anyone or asking them how they felt about it.

Were you supposed to die...?

[ Instead of Soo-won, or Dave, or... God. He has to breathe out a sigh, smothered in the hands that he brings up to his face, remembering how worked up he had gotten the first time somebody had unnecessarily targeted two people instead of the minimum one a week to keep the game going.

He flips over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. ]

Sorry. I guess I'm not used to asking people anything; I used to just do what I want. The ones with power could do that, but here, I don't have any of that. Powerless. Less than that. Negative power.

Not necessarily, but...I trusted Akechi very early on with information about my title and objective that would have made me the ideal target for him to minimize casualties. And even after choosing a different target, he could have asked me to take the wound that incriminated him in Soo-Won's death. He decided not to take advantage of me at all...so I know he's a good person. I know that he's conflicted just like the rest of us.

[Ion shakes his head.]

No, it's alright. I know how you feel--I wish there was more I could do, too. But you aren't powerless, Natsuo. Not even close.

If you can heal, you should be the last person to die...

[ gestures at future Steph's missing leg, and the despair all of us would be once all our healers are offed ]

You can heal, but I can't. Other people, they're smarter, and stronger, and calmer, and all these things that I'm not. I feel like I can't do anything on my own; I want to be used somehow.

[A lot of things cross Ion's mind that he knows he shouldn't say. There's no place for these thoughts here...they'd serve no purpose aside from further confusion. But being of use and being used...they're two very different things. It breaks Ion's heart.]

Back home...I spent a long time wondering what it was about me that mattered at all. I had a position of power, but I felt like I was just a tool being used to further the agendas of other people stronger than me...agendas I didn't even agree with.

[He pauses.]

But then someone told me something that changed everything. She said that the most powerful thing about me was how I made people feel just by smiling at them. And you know...when you smile at me, I feel like I can do anything.

Edited 2018-07-01 21:49 (UTC)

[ Being used, being useful, being helpful, all those things are so muddled in Natsuo's head, who confuses one for the others because being used means he's useful and being helpful makes him incredibly happy. Even though he's done things he hated or were dangerous or scary, he'd never felt forced into those situations- he agreed because he wanted to be useful. He did it because he wanted somebody to pat him on the head, to smile at him, to tell him "good job."

It feels like he will never get to experience any of that ever again. He reaches for Ion's hand, uncertain, and stops himself before actually touching. ]

Me too. I love seeing you smile- I love seeing everybody's smiles. It makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing. But for me... I don't know if I can smile anymore.

[When Ion sees Natsuo's hand stop before reaching his own, he bridges the gap for him, sliding their fingers together and squeezing.]

I feel the same way.

[And he smiles now, faint and sad.]

You can--you will be able to. You have a spirit brighter than any I've ever seen before. No matter how dark the day gets, just by being here and being you, I know we'll all make it through.

[ A spirit like a raging fire, bright and warming and threatening to consume everything in its path just a few hours ago- that spirit of his can be dangerous, but it's bolstered by Ion's smile, and the hands Natsuo clasps in both if his, head bowed to press his forehead against the knuckles. ]

...I hope so. I want to be somebody everybody can look to and find courage- everybody's aniki. I wasn't a very good one today, but I'll try harder. I'll try harder to be happy [ somehow ] and make people happy [ somehow ]

[Dangerous, but no less beautiful. Natsuo just needs to learn how to harness it properly, in a way that won't cause destruction.]

I think trying is the best thing that you can do. You'll keep learning, as long as you keep listening.

[Natsuo's skin is so warm--so much warmer than his own. It puts him at ease, if only a little.]

Everybody takes missteps from time to time...but what will set you apart is your ability to recover and reroute. You're not the sort of person who ever gives up, so I know that this was just another bump in the road.

[ It depends on if he listens, though, right? Again and again, he's really grateful that Ion is his partner. —No, that's not right. He's grateful that Ion is his friend, who would take him aside like this and talk with him, calm him down and turn him towards the right path again. ]

—Got it. I definitely won't give up. You have this much faith in me, so I absolutely can't let you down!

In that case...I'll do my best not to let you down either!

[Not that he ever intended to, mind you, but it bears saying.]

If neither of us can do anything else, we'll use our smiles to assist those who can.

[KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS. But, like, don't kill them.]

[ ...

He can't help it, seeing Ion's smile, the fact that he believes in the two of them. ]

Yes! We'll smile and help everybody through in our own ways!

[ And then he completely breaks down crying on Sunday but shhh, he'll bounce back ]

Week 3, Saturday Post-Trial - Natsuo

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